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"I never wanted to be

What they told me to be

Fulfill my fate then I'll be free

God knows how long I tried to change fate."

– Blind Guardian: Mordred's Song.

Inexorable – Part Six.

I was actually happy that the sun was shining after I’d had my talk to Leonora, the principal of the Stormwind Academy, as well as a priestess of the Light. Though she appeared not quite capable of crasping what a Paladin defender truly stood for, she did however make clear certain points. That added with me getting my head clear after Katherine, a Sister Knight of the Paladin Order, had berated me for my failing of the virtues.

It had struck me dumb as I realised the truth in her words, and I felt even more the fool for not having seen it happening; how I had changed.

Bearing in mind all that had transpired ever since I was wounded in the Swamp of Sorrows, recovering, being sent off to Light’s Hope Chapel, seeing Auburn so briefly before she was just as swiftly carried away as she’d come – I truly felt that I was utterly and totally incapable of controlling the events that had affected my life, my personality and, Light, even my family and friends.

Mayhap they noticed it, mayhap not. If they had, they hadn’t told me. Could it be mere trust that I’d get back up quickly? That it was just yet another of my damnable black moods?

Light’s name, I kept seeing myself in that scarlet robe as Katherine made clear that it was utterly unacceptable the way I’d behaved, while the images of me preaching understanding, respect, tenacity and compassion to ears that wouldn’t listen replayed in my mind. Some did listen. To my credit? Light knows. If the common people had any right to call me a saint, however misplaced I’ve ever thought it to be, then it was during my more focussed days.

Peering over at the building that Nouala’s been using as a hospital I ponder a moment if I should go over to her again, but when finding that I’m too focussed on my thoughts of the past and the present I decide not to. I need to get clear with myself. I need to find back to the Elizabetha I once was – at least in spirit and heart.

I mount Lexandra and gently set her to trot slowly towards the manor, in which I’ve lived ever since Richeron took me in, when I had nowhere else to go. Or did I? I could’ve easily requested my Brother and Sister Paladins to allow me to linger with them, serve as a tutor, perchance become a priestess instead. But I didn’t. I chose Richeron’s kindness. I chose myself, my own desires.

I’ve been...selfish.

I was selfish ever since my eyes were gouged out. I was selfish when offered chances to see again. I was selfish when I was at the ball in Darnassus, complaining like a five year old little girl whose doll’d been taken by the mean seven year old boy.

Was it for this that I was given an eye? Was this how the flock was to be made whole as Bear had said?

No. This was not what any of us involved had in mind. I truly have lost myself along the way.

Light’s name! Not even noble Uther was like this!

I blink my eye as I notice that Lexandra’s stopped her trotting right outside of the manor, pratically in the precise same spot as I’m wont to halt her and tie her securely. At least she knows what to do. And in an odd moment I find myself actually envying my own horse’s simple life!

Sighing I dismount, speaking a few kind words as I offer her some fresh corn. A little treat to show my appreciation of her. Then it’s back into the house and see how Miss Jennings’ been doing in entertaining the twins while I’ve been busy. They appear anything but satisfied.

"They’re hungry, milady," Miss Jennings so politely informs me.

I smile, actually – by feeding them with my milk, well, it’s the closest feeling I still have to remind me of the time when they were growing within me, and the closeness of the act of feeding is something I’d not trade for anything in the world. One at a time. Iohannes’ turn to be first, since they’re so big now that I can’t manage them both at the same time. Next time will be his sister’s.

My thoughts do not stop here, and I can’t even savour the sensation of my current business as I keep reliving over and over the points of my life where I’ve drifted away, turning bitter, arrogant, selfish, and Light knows what else.

Was this meant to be? Is this fate?

No. I’ve never been one to believe in fate. Actions are born in the moment they are carried out. The rest is just results thereof. Time to return to what I was, what I was trained to do – the reason why I even was graced with an eye.

Then again...perchance it was inexorable. Both my change, and that I was given a wake up call to avert it from proceeding.

I am a Knight of the Church.

I am a Paladin defender.

Esarus thar no’Darador.

By Blood and Honour we serve.

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