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This is merely a silly story, and has nothing to do with anything that has ever happened or will ever happen inside the game. Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal. Rated PG-13.


Chapter VI. Taphophobia Edit

Buri, Sonar and Puck… and the mechanical squirrel Sam, ran for their lives up the river they had come across, chased by the horde of undead. A few acolytes in the ranks soon gave up and started to retreat back to the tower, unknowingly walking right into an entire Brigade of armed bastards.


- Sonar is tired, whined the great badger hunter, “We must… stop… soon! Why are the smelly things not stopping?”

The gnome Puck turned around from time to time to incinerate a ghoul, and the lesser undead creatures started to slow down, trying to get away from the fire.

- Do you have any explosives, dwarf? Yelled the gnome and poked Buri.

- Sonar has a dynamite stick, replied Sonar.

Heavily panting and urgently trying to keep up with the human, the dwarf pulled a smoke flare from his belt and dropped it on the ground.

Red smoke enveloped the spot, and the undead creatures that passed through seemed confused and disoriented. The gnome, dwarf and human kept running northwards.


“We should not go this way… I think we are getting closer to Tarren Mill!” screamed Puck.

As the three slowly started moving away from the river, they soon found themselves trapped between two large hills and a large amount of cliffs, blocking all ways to the west and north. Sonar looked around and spotted a cave; with a badger hunter’s determination he grabbed Buri by the belt and tossed him inside, then he did the same with the gnome, who waved his arms around in protest.

- Sonar is getting good at midget-tossing, cheered Sonar, before jumping into the cave himself.


It was pretty small and damp, but only a small part of a large cavern. Buri, Sonar and the gnome made their way inside with drawn weapons, panting and sweaty. The mechanical squirrel scurried around their legs. The walls of the cave were covered in strange runes, but hopefully it was empty.

What remained of the undead horde that had been following them, two dozen ghouls, an abomination, and a couple of skeletal mages, arrived at the entrance to the cavern and carefully started to creep inside.


Far away, the necromancer Criswell found himself chased by six angry mountaineers; his companion ordered the skeletal guards to absorb them. The skeletal guards, wielding the orbs, charged the mountaineers and clashed with them full force.

- They are too many, my friend, hissed Criswell’s necromancer companion, “We must retreat and approach from the other way! Did you see their troops? The tower is lost!”

As the six mountaineers battled the skeletons, Criswell removed his hood, revealing his pale, worn-out face. He scratched his long, black beard and took out a rune from his pocket, handing it to his companion.

- Quickly, Heisenborg, get us back to the cave, we must get the orbs to safety while we can!

The necromancer took the rune, held it in his hand and started to chant. Two of the mountaineers attempted to interrupt him, but were chopped down by the skeletal guards, of which three remained.


Not far to the northwest, behind many trees, the thunderous noise of siege engines firing their main cannons could be heard. The mountaineer force had launched their attack on the tower, and would take over it in no time.


Deep inside the cavern, Buri wept bitterly while keeping up with the human and gnome, who soon arrived in what seemed to be the end of a long series of tunnels. This part of the cavern was shaped like a room, and lit up by candles, sitting atop stalagmites. The walls were covered in not only runes, but by large pieces of cloth… decorated with the symbol of the Scourge.

Buri was too busy whining about his tired feet to notice, but Sonar and the gnome quickly realized that they had, against most odds, walked right into something very bad. Shrieks and guttural moans could be heard echoing through the tunnels.

“Wha’s that? Orcs?” wailed Buri and cowered behind Sonar, who tucked his mechanical squirrel away under his cloak.

- There are older and fouler things than orcs in the deep places of the world, replied Puck, while searching his pockets for runes of teleportation.

“It’s the undead, you fool,” he continued, as he grabbed a small shard with a symbol on it, and started making gestures.

“They’ve chased us all the way down here, so they must be hungry. But do not worry. Stand close, and we will get out of here in no time! Run through the portal the moment it opens!”

The gnome waved his staff around, but nothing happened. He looked closer at the rune.

“Dangit! This is not teleportation, this is the Demonic rune!”

- Sonar wonders if this gnome is an evil warlock, Sonar whispered to Buri.

“It’s for my experiments,” muttered Puck, “But they do not matter now, we’re all dead. They are coming!”

Buri aimed his gun at the entrance of the room, where glowing eyes could be seen. Ghouls carefully closed in on them, blocking the only way out.


Puck prepared for a powerful fire spell, and Sonar unsheathed his gigantic sword; but before anyone could do anything to anybody, blue flames blinded everyone. The runes on the walls flashed, and suddenly two necromancers, a skeletal guard and two dead mountaineers materialized in the middle of the room.

The dwarf, human, gnome and the two necromancers stared at each other, trying to make out what the heck was going on. Criswell first looked terrified, but then noticed that a pack of ghouls was backing him up.

He raised his arm and was about to order his minions to slaughter the invaders, but Sam, the mechanical squirrel, fearlessly crawled up the powerful necromancer’s robe and started humping his face.

Criswell shrieked and desperately tried to get the mechanical creature off, while his necromancer companion ordered the ghouls to attack. Buri fired his rifle and splattered the insides of Heisenborg’s head across the rune-covered walls.


So much for the PG-13 rating. Ah well, at least there isn’t any nudity.

Anyway...


Buri then threw away his rifle, reached for his axe… and realized that he had dropped it while running up the river. Puck created a frost nova, allowing Buri to grab a weapon from one of the dead mountaineers on the floor.

- Holy crap, they killed Hirck, screamed Buri and swung his new axe against the ghouls pouring in from the tunnel.

- You bastards, yelled Sonar and started cleaving the undead with his sword.

As Puck took up a battle of frostbolts with the skeletal mages, Buri saw… and heard… and smelled a giant abomination approach. With some difficulty, the large creature squeezed himself into the room and started chasing the dwarf, who yelled for help.

- Sonar is busy with lots of ghouls! Sam, help Buri! Yelled the badger hunter, who was swinging his massive weapon around like a lunatic.

The mechanical squirrel stopped humping the face of Criswell the Horrid, who took this opportunity to cast a spell from his staff, blowing Sam into tiny pieces.

Overwhelmed by ghouls, Sonar turned around and let out a cacophonic howl at the sight of his companion’s instant death. The abomination gave up his chase for Buri, who cowered in a corner, and went after the badger hunter, who managed to free himself from the clawing of the ghouls long enough to swing his weapon against Criswell.

Before he could even react, the necromancer was cut in half, and he fell down next to Puck, who finished off the last skeletal mage.


- I cannot cast any more spells, he cried, “I need to rest! Dwarf! Help the human!”


Buri raised his axe and stared, scared out of his life, at the horde of ghouls and the abomination; they were all reaching for Sonar, who was trapped in a corner. Every time he swung his sword at one undead creature, five others clawed the defenceless part of his body; they were starting to get through the armour, and soon the badger hunter’s hauberk cracked open. He was struck in the head by the gargantuan chains of the abomination, and fell down on the ground, writhing in pain. As the ghouls pounced on the badger hunter to tear his body, Puck and Buri charged at the undead, hacking away at them with their damaged and worn weapons.

The ghouls turned their attention to the dwarf and gnome, leaving the injured Sonar to be savagely beaten by the chains and hooks of the abomination.

The badger hunter grunted in pain, and removed his cracked goggles. With what was left of his strength, he managed to stand up, without weapon or chestplate, and charged at the uncovered, green part of the giant undead creature. Sonar pulled a dynamite stick from his belt, lit it, and just before it went off, he pushed it as far into the insides of the abomination as he could.


There was a loud explosion, and pieces of rotten meat and entrails covered the room; the badger hunter was pushed back by the blast, right into the horde of ghouls attacking Buri and the gnome.

The mindless creatures were disoriented and confused; they even seemed frightened for a second, as the cave started to crumble. Large stalactites and rocks fell from the roof and the candles were crushed. Complete and utter darkness enveloped the room as the cavern started to come down upon them.

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