"There were some calling me crazy
I’ve been accused of being naïve
But I don’t need no one to save me
Cause I got you, you make me believe."
- Blackmore’s Night: Just call my name (I’ll be there).
Rest now, sister of Light.
Part of me hates it, being so selfless. Some’ve argued that I’d be better off not caring as much as I do. Easy for them to say. All I had to do was to look around and that’d be enough to make my heart ache for all those I saw suffer and being in pain. Did I say part of me hates it? Well, perchance. Then again, I’ve never truly understood myself, wondering often if I wasn’t better off never having been born.
But that’s really a selfish thought. Odd when I really think on it. Mayhap deep down within we’re nothing but egocentric beings, only focussing on getting what we need, not caring about the rest.
Yet...I just can’t. I can’t help but want to change that. To change someone’s life for the better. And I’ve tried. Light knows I’ve tried. For the most part I’ve only felt pain and anguish as reward. All those I seem to be successful at helping slip away again. Fall back into the darkness that I pulled them out of, or they lose heart and just walk away from it all.
And how it hurt... How it made me feel as though everything within me just stopped working, churning, twirling upon itself. And now I can’t even shed tears anymore... I can only sob, wail, cry out in my despair as I just feel as though the whole world collapses upon me.
I long for the feeling of tears running down my cheeks…but I know it’s an impossible dream at best. But to feel it again...just briefly...just for a second…
They were right. Those who said that I’ve seen too much despair and pain. I’ve been drenched in it. Soaked. And now I feel like a piece of cloth that’s been used one time too many.
I need something that will rebuild me.
Something that’ll stop me from going insane from failing all the time, and only have mockery shot at me for trying, for believing, for loving.
Naïve. Stupid. Blind. Ignorant. Foolish.
So many things they’ve called me, enemies and allies alike. And I’ve asked in my mind so often why they just can’t see what they’re doing. Why they can’t realise just how much good it would do if they’d put behind their lusts for power, prestige, wealth and blood. Should we all just pursue vengeance? Is that it? Just cut all the throats that are in our way, colour the soil red with their blood, and then move on to the next? Are all those who profess to be evil really evil? And those who say they are good?
Well, they do say they do what needs to be done. I guess they know better than me. After all, why believe that anyone can be redeemed, eh? Just as impossible as for me to shed tears apparently.
And I keep doing it… I keep falling back to this blasted melancholy. I think too much. I worry too much. I love too much!
I just love too much...
But...at least my love’s not wasted when it comes to him.
Light, how I must’ve looked foolish when he asked me… I just didn’t expect it. It was so sudden, so unexpected. But how it shined... The Light. Full of happiness, joy and love when it hit me. When the realisation hit. And in that moment, hopes for the future just swirled through my mind. Possibilities.
Bring life into this world… Something that I’ve scarcely thought of being blessed with. And when thinking on little Brannon, Fae and Berdrin’s infant son... When they let me hold that tiny life in my arms...I felt like crying of joy. And though I couldn’t see him, the sensation of holding him was so beautiful. So blessed. So…full of Light. Such beautiful Light.
And I envied their happiness. I envied Fae for having borne this child within her womb. I could imagine her first time when she felt him move. That sensation…I could only imagine it. Life. New life. One’s own flesh and blood.
I was…selfish at that point. I regret being that, but...I couldn’t help it. And now, when Richeron posed that question, I could see myself getting that opportunity. I could see myself finally being able to rest. To focus on something else. To just be with him and love him for the man he is.
Thoughtful loving smile.
If I can make him happy, then I’d also be doing something good. And I’d so love to grace him with a child… I’d so love for that to happen. I’d so love becoming his wife.
I can only imagine how he must’ve felt when asking, and seeing how speechless I was.
I love it how he can make me feel safe. Secure. At peace. Just to feel his arms holding me close, so that all my worries can fade away, and the Light shining in our happy moments.
And how it shines in my darkness...
How it shines...
And I love the sight of it in my darkness. It makes the pain of having lost the eyes so much less.
I wonder...if it was the same for Eileena. If she also saw such Light when Nomine asked her.
I owe her much.
Perchance I also owe myself a chance to rest. To be happy.
But I’ve got him... I’ve got my love. And now…we can finally be one. I can finally have a place to truly call home, and truly belong to. And I can have all that which I never thought I would’ve.
Perchance I’ll again come around to spread the Light in others. Yes, after I’ve made my own Light shine as brightly as before. If not stronger.
He makes it shine within me - in us. Yes, like no other.
My sweet Richeron.